43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I had amnesia once or twice.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.