43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.