My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.