When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."