Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?