Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.