I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.