If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?