If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I took a baby shower.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.