Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.