Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.