Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.