Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.