Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?