Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'