I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?