In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.