In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.