In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?