If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.