Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?