Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Half the people you know are below average.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.