I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?