I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.