One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?