Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.