Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.