Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.