I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.