I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?