You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.