I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.