I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.