While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.