While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.