While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.