I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.