My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.