My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."