I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.