Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.