When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.