Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.