My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'