I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"