I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?