The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.