The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.