The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I was an only child, eventually.