The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.