Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops