I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.