I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.