It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?