If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?