If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.