If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...