I'm a peripheral visionary.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.