I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.