I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.