I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.