I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Because I don't believe everything I read.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?