When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.