When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.