I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'