I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

I can't stop thinking like this.