I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Is 'tired old cliché' one?