How do you tell when youโre out of invisible ink?
Half the people you know are below average.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.