I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.