They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'