They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

Half the people you know are below average.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.