I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

I was skydiving horizontally.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?