I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.