Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
I took a baby shower.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops