The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'