The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.