What a nice night for an evening.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.