I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'