I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops