I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.