I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.