I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.