I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

What a nice night for an evening.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."