If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.