When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.