When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."