When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I was skydiving horizontally.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.