When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.